Why I went on the MROP - the journey

I had heard of Richard Rohr for years - had listened to his tapes on male spirituality over the years. He always seemed insightful and very real. He spoke to me. What particularly jumped out at me was his biblical reflections on Paul and human freedom. I was going on a pilgrimage to Greece and Turkey in the footsteps of St. Paul, and got his "Life as Participation" CDs on Paul - they really blew my mind and touched me with deep insights.

So I continued to read and listen - my life was slowly moving on. I had recovered from some setbacks. But I felt a certain empty restlessness - wasn't sure how to read it or what to do about it. In early 2005, a work-friend, who also enjoys Rohr's stuff, mentioned the male rites coming up later in the year. I quickly dismissed it as something I just don't do - sounded too tribal! A week or two later, he said he was interested in going and would go if I would. What the heck, I thought - why not! I was helping him and it might help me! So we went to the website and I started to sign up. The questions I had to answer at first startled me - and then attracted me - because they asked about what I might be looking for - they reached into that empty restlessness which seemed to define me - so I thought, this will be good - and good for me! I signed up - was relieved when I got accepted after the questionnaire - and purchased my ticket to fly to Minnesota - only to learn weeks later, that my friend hadn't done that yet - opps - I did not want to go alone. I prayed and heard nothing. I shared it with a few guys I know and they laughed - was this going to drumming naked with overgrown boyscouts? Finally my friend signed up - but it always was seemed hesitant about whether he would actually make it.

About a month before, fear got the best of me - it did sound like I'd be out in the woods, alone, naked, drumming and fighting mosquitoes. Reading Rohr's Adam's Return about the male rites helped with some of my fears but also elicited other fears. In fact, I simply decided just not to show up. The only person I told was my spiritual director, who had been excited that I was being called to these male rites. About three weeks before it was to happen, she arrived and gave me a drum she had purchased for me to use. That doomed my fears - now I had to go!

So I flew to Minnesota with a reticent but hopeful heart. Somehow, I felt forced to be there - was it just Susan's drum? for my friend? the empty restlessness speaking? or God? Hell, I could survive anything, I thought! I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to get out of it - except survive and not get eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Looking back, I now laugh - how naive I was! God was calling me in all those ways. The rites overwhelmed me in ways I still cannot explain - all my worse fears were realized there, but I was invited inside the empty restlessness and experienced a "healing" that is still hard to explain. I had been bleeding internally in my spirit all my life - as I walked into the deep inner wound, it was so painful, but I had to confront the deeper truth. Something profound happened to me. The hemorrhaging of spirit stopped, although the wound remains as something I struggle with as I struggle with God as his beloved son. But I'm no longer bleeding to death! The experience of the MROP is wordlessly powerful and continues to transform my identity and life. I'm so glad that I did not let my initial fears define and confine me.


Bob Colaresi
Darien, Illinois